Anxiety

I have very bad anxiety, I have had it since I was a young child, but of course at that time I had no clue that's what it was. Every day at the same time I would get the butterflies in the tummy feeling, I would go sit in the school library and read a book, I had to keep the same routine. I still feel this way, I need to keep a familiar routine or my entire day will be off.

I have seen a doctor about this, been put on the medication Effexor but I have terrible side effects from it and stopped taking it. It gives me an upset stomach, pain and burning in my stomach, loss of appetite, headaches, pain in my jaw, nausea etc... and makes my blood sugar go really high and out of control. So currently I am on nothing. The medication did help a bit with the anxiety and depression.

I was seeing a psychiatrist, but felt she was not a good fit for me at all. I couldn't talk to her about things or open up. She was more interested in Cognitive Behavior Therapy and I thought this would help, changing the way I think about stuff. It didn't. And what is the use seeing a professional when you can't open up and you sit there pretending to be happy at that moment. I'd rather find a doctor I can communicate with through email, for me it is easier to be open and honest and let my feelings out this way than it is in person.

An infected tooth almost killed me!

A few years ago I had an infected wisdom tooth that needed to be removed, it was giving me a lot of problems and pain. It was so badly infected the dentist decided not to remove it until it healed, he didn't give me antibiotics even though he knew I am a diabetic, just T3's for the pain, even after I told him I am allergic to codeine! Obviously I did not take these instead I took extra strength Tylenol. I went home and of course the infection got worse, the whole left side of my face was badly swollen, it looked like I had a jaw breaker shoved inside my mouth against my cheek. The pain was so bad that with every step I took when I walked or bent down a horrible pain would shoot through my gums where that tooth was. The pain was getting worse, so I went to the emergency room at the hospital. It was only me and two other people in there but the wait was so long and I was in so much pain, I went early afternoon and it was now late evening and I still did not see a doctor, they kept taking people ahead of me who came in after I did, I guess they thought a 'toothache' was not a serious concern. I left.

A few days later the pain and swelling went away. I had a lot of puss from the infection still though and would constantly spit it out, but at night in my sleep I was swallowing the puss. One morning I woke up with a severe pain in my stomach and felt nauseated, it felt like I was getting the flu after all it was flu season and all my co-workers were sick, so I thought I caught it now too.

I couldn't get out of bed, drink or eat anything at all, but still my blood sugars were sky high because of the infection which I thought was clearing up, the pain was gone and the pussing stopped. If I took even a tiny sip of water I would throw up. I became so badly dehydrated and lost serious amount of weight, I looked anorexic, my eyes were sunken into my face, I looked really bad.
Every couple of minutes I would vomit, even if I didn't consume anything. I would fall back to sleep only to wake up 15 min later to vomit, this was a continuous cycle.

Finally it got so bad I told my mom I needed to go to the hospital. She took one look at me and the shock on her face I will never forget. She yelled at me 'Why is your mascara all over your eyes, your eyes are black!' I looked terrible, my eyes were sunken in, and they were black all around them, like raccoon eyes, I wasn't wearing mascara, and my skin was very pale, almost transparent.

At the hospital the wait was forever long again, even though I was lying on the chair vomiting into a cup, I layed down on the floor in the waiting room, people were looking at me but I really didn't care. I remember looking at the vending machine wanting something to drink so bad from the severe dehydration but was told I couldn't have anything because I would just vomit it up anyway. I stumbled to the bathroom to vomit, now I  was just dry heaving, I was in so much pain. By this time we were in the waiting room of the emergency room for an hour and a half or so, my mom kept going up to the triage nurse telling them that I really needed to see someone NOW! This is going to sound gross, but at the time I didn't care I was so sick, I layed down on the bathroom floor with the door locked. My mom got worried because I wasn't opening the door, so she had to go get one of the nurses. The nurse had to break into the bathroom to get me out, she put me in a wheel chair and took me to see the doctor. I guess the nurse finally realized how sick I really was!

The doctors and nurses attended to me right away after that. Checking my blood sugar, taking my blood, they took so many tests. I was hooked up to IV's and heart monitoring machines and other machines. They gave me something in the IV to settle my stomach and kept coming in checking my blood sugar and giving me insulin shots. I had so many tubes stuck in my arms and wrists, but I didn't notice them doing any of this. I started to shiver, I was freezing cold from the IV's. I soon fell asleep and slept the whole time. They were giving me antibiotics in the IV as well. After I started feeling hydrated I felt much better.

They told me I had a blood infection from the infected tooth. When I was feeling a little better they sent me home with some seriously HUGE horse pill size antibiotics I had to take 4 times a day and some medication to help keep me from vomiting. I started getting better really fast, and after a few days was able to keep down some tea and toast. I later found out I almost died, if I didn't decide to go to the hospital that day I would have, I had major ketones as well and my body was slowly shutting down. I will never forget the fire like pain I felt in my stomach or how sick I felt. I hope I NEVER have to go through anything like that ever again in my life!

My Diagnosis

It was the summer of 2001, I was 19 years old. I started working at a photography studio, the kind that develops school pictures. I was working with a lot of chemicals and would come home after work feeling really sick and smelling like glue (I later found out the smell was not from the chemicals but ketones that were in my blood from the high blood sugar) I was really very nauseated and thought it must be from the chemicals I was working with to develop the photos, and also the cause of the rash I had, so I thought it best to leave that job, eventually obviously I found out later the sickness was not from the chemicals.

I remember that summer being really hot and making me thirsty, I don't know if that summer was really all that hot, but I blamed my thirst on that reasoning. I could not get enough to drink! I was always a very active kid and teenager, but lately all I wanted to do was sleep. My mom of course thought I was starting to become lazy, then she thought maybe I was on drugs because all I wanted to do was sleep all the time, I stopped hanging out with my friends completely. She then thought maybe I was anorexic, I lost so much weight, I noticed my weight loss too, I thought it was because I started doing leg lifts, haha I laugh at this now!

I went for a walk to my sister's place, she lived down the street from us at the time, we sat outside on her front steps and she noticed this giant bruise on the side of my calf. It started just below my knee to above my ankle. It was a very strange blue-green-yellow-brown but not like a normal bruise color, it was also a very hard lump which was weird. I thought a bug must have laid eggs in my leg. She took me to the doctor to have it checked out. I was convinced a bug laid eggs in my leg and stressed this to the doctor, he laughed at me and told me that was ridiculous Canada doesn't have those kinds of insects. He sent me to the lab for blood tests and told me they would call if anything. I also was getting a bunch of little bruises all over my arms and legs at this time.

A few weeks go by, no phone call so I think everything is fine. Actually I forgot all about that appointment and went on with my summer. Closer to fall I went out for lunch with my mom and ordered a large root beer, and another and another and another, I took two bites of my food and just wanted to drink something anything, I was so thirsty the water in the mop pail looked really good! My mom noticed this, and I noticed her worried look. She was married to my dad when he was first diagnosed with his type 1 diabetes at the age of 21, he was doing the same thing I was with the thirst. She started asking me questions, I told her about feeling sick, thirsty, headaches, the rash and the bruising and the smell of glue I could not get rid of.

I went to work at my new job I just started. My mom thought about everything I said earlier that day at lunch and how I had all the symptoms my dad had before his diagnosis. She got out my dad's blood sugar monitor and tested my blood sugar, it was 33mmol/L(594mg/dl) a person without diabetes normal blood sugar would read 5.0mmol/L. I was rushed to the hospital. In the hospital they did numerous tests on me, stuck tubes in my arms, the vein in my wrist where they tested the gasses still sticks out of my wrist and is very noticible.

The doctor eventually came back into the room after hours apon hours and told me what we already knew, I am a type 1 diabetic. Even though I knew before they gave me the actual diagnosis that night I layed in my bed and cried my eyes out until I fell asleep, I was really scared. I started having nightmares that my feet were going to fall off. A year before my own diagnosis my dad had his leg amputated.

The strange thing is a year before I was diagnosed I had recurring nightmares that some really bad scary person was chasing me with a needle, and if he caught me and stabbed me with it I was going to get diabetes. I always got away in every dream but he kept getting closer and closer, then he caught me and that was the last time I had that dream.

A Diabetic Cupcake?

Why did I name this blog Diabetic Cupcake? Well, if you are a diabetic you know that we hear 'You can't eat this! You can't eat that! Can you eat that?' etc. It get's really old and annoying so shut up, I will shove this cupcake in my mouth with icing all over my face if I want to! It's my problem to worry about my blood sugar not yours! And it's a really cute name, at least I think so, and it's for all my diabetic friends in the D-OC who love their cupcakes.......with sprinkles ;)